Stages of Life

Today I woke up in a decent mood. I laid in bed for about 10 mins thinking why the hell I get up so early. Then I realized its because now I have a job. I think and ponder how wonderful life was before growing up. You were born, you got fed every hour to every few hours, you crapped and wet yourself, you got burped, changed, and you were pushed around in this high fashion stroller all day while you slept. And those were just your baby years. As we grew up things started to change. They took away the eating every hour and knocked it down to 4 times a day. We got forced to sit on this cold piece of concrete, that didn't even make a fun noise, we were forced to walk every where, and some even had a leash. And most important our nap time is cut in half. Now we are passed out toddler years and into pre-teens even MORE is changing. We eat 3 times a day, forced to go to this place where we are also forced to learn things, we no longer get naps; yet we are always tired. Also we are getting these feelings of caring, and behaving, when all we want to do is not care. Now we are have moved onto our teens. We have been in this institution where we are forced to learn for a few years now, and we still hate it as much as we did the first day. Our body parts start to change, and some even their voices. We start falling into love easily, and then get broken hearted even easier. We are pushed into getting jobs, I guess its to prove we can be responsible; they say its a life lesson. So we end up getting jobs where we work twice as hard as we get paid. These are also the years sleep deprivation sets in. As we are approaching adult hood, nothing seems the same. Some of us are going to school and wasting money on something over half of them won't even use when done. Others are out working barely making ends meet. We are now stressed, and our hair went from normal to gray in some cases. We fall in love, get married, some get divorced and half of their earnings are just taken away. Our bodies change so much, we feel the need for children. We give birth, and the stages of life repeats itself. Now we are past adulthood, our kids are grown, and now we are just old. We now crap and wet ourselves. We get naps, and some even get pushed around while they nap. Others get fed again, and burped again. Needless to say, life is a rollercoaster, just get on and enjoy, don't regret your decisions and don't blink, because this ride could change at any moment.

Update on Life

So I haven't been on this for a while. So I had surgery on Sept 29th, and its almost been 5 months. I have only lost about 30lbs, if that. But they said my weightloss is going good. I don't know, I just feel I should be losing more. Not a ton more but just more. I wanted to be down 70lbs by my birthday so I am going to have to start working hard. Plus I want to look good for when my boyfriend comes home from Afghanistan.

Speaking of which, I am kind of confused. I am dating an amazing man, who makes me happy, and feel beautiful. He is a US Marine, but doesn't act like the typical marine, OR military man. But I am not going to get ahead of myself and say what I hope to see from us. I am just going to say, I am taking it day by day. But the confusing part is that, my x "hubby" is now jealous and being sweet. Trust me, I am not going to do anything, I care about my boyfriend. Its just weird because he is acting how I always wanted him to act when we were together. I know its just cause he can't have me now and he knows that. He is jealous, he told me. Its nice to know that he actually did care about me. Its just hard when your boyfriend is away for a year to not feel confused. I know who and what I want so I would never do anything to get me into trouble or jeopardize my relationship.

So now on to a different subject... I haven't had a job since like December. OMG I hate it. I have applied for EVERYTHING, I have even followed up with jobs. So I had an interview this week on Tuesday, and they told me I would know in 2 weeks. I am going to follow up next week, just to show that I am interested and serious about this position. I did start selling Lia Sophia so at least that is going to be SOMETHING for now. Anything at this point. I just don't want to get into fast food, but who knows, I will probably have to resort to it. Well I think I am going to play with Taylor alittle, and then put her down for a nap.

Those of you who don't know, Taylor is my friends daughter, I watch her 2 times a week. She is my life and I love her so much. Well I better get to playing with her, she is bringing me stuff I have no idea where it came from.

Rather NOT be alive

So most of you know I just had surgery a lil over a month ago. Well its an expensive surgery. My insurance told me they would pay 80% of the surgery and my most out of pocket would be 2,000$s. Well I got a sheet that shows you what was approved by your insurance and what wasnt. Well apparently my ENTIRE surgery wasn't covered. I now have to pay over 22,000$s out of pocket. So honestly I dont want to hear about people not having money or whatever. Try paying 35,000$s in student loans, 7,000$s in credit card debt, and over 30,000$s in medical bills. And yes I still make 10$s an hour, and cant live on my own. Even if I move back home, i wont be able to go out or see friends because I wont have any money. I will grow further and further into a depression. And soon I will be forgotten. I already feel forgotten by some of my friends. I mean people who I thought were even my best of friends still have yet to check on me since surgery. I would do anything for them in a heart beat.... but now I won't. I hope they know they have fucked themselves. ....just wish I had some type of merical happen in my life....

Post-Op

Ok so I had my surgery. I am still alive, and it was a success. I have lost now 5 lbs since surgery. I am starting to retain water... more liquids. I had 4 ppl at the hospital with me waitin for me to get out of surgery. that was really nice. :) well i will finish later.... i just wanted to let you know that I am ok.

Surgery

So I am having surgery Sept 29th. Yep thats about it.

More to Love

So I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into this show but I did. It was amazing. And it shows that bigger people can find love, even if its on tv. Not kidding when I say this... I cried. Not because of the sappy love shit but because I was in love once, and I miss it. I thought I was going to marry this person, we were engaged. But that story is down a few blogs. But I really do miss telling a man I am with I love him. Now don't think I just go off saying it, I don't. I take I love you, very seriously. I miss being able to spend the night with someone or them spend the night with me. I am so sick of being alone all the time. Its lonely. No wonder why I have gotten fatter. I don't love myself now so why would anyone else love me? ...Ugh! I just wish I could find someone who does love me. I will wait for however long because if its ment to happen, it will happen. Just wish I could at least have a boyfriend lol. Or someone who will come over and cuddle with me, kiss me, rub my back, hold my hand, things like that. If you are someone who is interested in that, please apply here! lol

Time to go cry myself to sleep... Ugh!

Update Lapband

Okay so if you have been reading my blogs you know I am getting the lapband. Well I haven't gotten an exact date yet but I go in tomorrow and find out. I have to get labs done and everything and then I schedule the appointment. I know that my surgery will be by the end of the month. I am excited but kind of scared. :-/ The main thing I am fearing is that they will get the anesthesia wrong and I will die on the table. Ugh! Or I will be awake and hear everything but they will think I am asleep. lol OMG that creeps me out. Oh well I guess its normal worries.

I shouldn't be worried though because I have had at least 8 surgeries. I am use to this type of thing. I guess just nothing this severe. This is life changing.

At first I thought the lapband and gastric was going to be so easy but its not. People might think I am taking the easy route for losing weight, I'm not. I have to work twice, even triple as hard now. My stomach is going to be an OUNCE to TWO OUNCES big. I have to chew everything perfect, I have to watch what I eat. I have to watch what I drink. I have to work out. I have to take vitamins every day. I mean I just doubled even tripled what I had to do before. Its going to be rough at first but I believe I can do great things. I am not looking to lose 200 lbs, 100lbs (although that would be nice). I'm not looking to be skinny. I am looking to become healthy. I want to get rid of my PCOS. If I can get rid of PCOS I will be happy. My life is rough with it. I am embarrased from it. Alot of people don't really know what it is or how it affects someone.

Let me just say this... PCOS sucks. It has brought my dad to tears because I have it, and he feels horrible for giving it to me. Although he couldn't help it, he felt bad. I will explain it later, but for now I should probably get back to work.

Ok now that I am off this call I can't finish this blog. Let me explain PCOS. Now this is embarrassing to me, so this is taking alot for me to tell this. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (Disease). What it is is there are many small cysts on the ovaries which can affect a woman in many ways. Some symptoms of this disease are as follows:
Abnormal, to no period
Acne
Decreased breast size
Development of male sex characteristics (low voice, large clit, male partern baldness, facial hair)
Diabetes
Increased hair growth (facial hair, arm hair, leg hair, chest hair)
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Weight gain/obesity

Now I will tell you the symptoms I have...
Abnormal to no period
Increased hair growth
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Obesity

If you don't know me or have never seen me you would probably never know I had this. You would just think I was just like the next fat person. I actually eat okay. I don't eat 5 meals a day or tons of junk food. I didn't get my period until I was 17 years old. And the only reason I got it was because I got on birth control. My hair growth is on my chest and face. No its not a beard or a mustache or anything horribly noticable. But I notice is. I have went through hours of painful electronic hair removal to help. Its not a permanent solution but does help. I am currently on a pill that cuts down my hair growth, but a result my hair is thinning on my head. I have been unable to get pregnant, which Im not really trying so thats ok. I do not have diabetes but I am monitored every month. I have had this disease since I was 13 years old. I have lived with it for 11 years now. I am sick of it. Normally when women who have PCOS lose enough weight they notice hair growth has slowed down or disappeared completely. So this is why the lapband will help me out.

I will tell you the hair growth is the most embarrassing thing. I don't let the guy I am dating touch my face. Just in fear he would feel the hair. I have only told ONE boyfriend about it and trust me I didn't want to. But he asked why I always had to shower alone... and then asked about hair folicals seen on my chest. Its not that I have really hairy chest or face, its just that its DARK and visable. You can make fun of me or what not because of it if you must. I have been made fun of numerous times in my life and unfortunately I have gotten use to it. I am praying that the lapband will help me gain the self confidence I need. Because if it doesn't, I fear I will be alone the rest of my life. And I would love to have a husband and a family some day. But who knows. I guess what ever happens, happens. Well I better go to the restroom before my break is up. Ugh!

Back to the darkside I go (work). If you have any questions about my PCOS please feel free to comment.