Thursday, September 17, 2009
More to Love
So I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into this show but I did. It was amazing. And it shows that bigger people can find love, even if its on tv. Not kidding when I say this... I cried. Not because of the sappy love shit but because I was in love once, and I miss it. I thought I was going to marry this person, we were engaged. But that story is down a few blogs. But I really do miss telling a man I am with I love him. Now don't think I just go off saying it, I don't. I take I love you, very seriously. I miss being able to spend the night with someone or them spend the night with me. I am so sick of being alone all the time. Its lonely. No wonder why I have gotten fatter. I don't love myself now so why would anyone else love me? ...Ugh! I just wish I could find someone who does love me. I will wait for however long because if its ment to happen, it will happen. Just wish I could at least have a boyfriend lol. Or someone who will come over and cuddle with me, kiss me, rub my back, hold my hand, things like that. If you are someone who is interested in that, please apply here! lol
Time to go cry myself to sleep... Ugh!
Time to go cry myself to sleep... Ugh!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Update Lapband
Okay so if you have been reading my blogs you know I am getting the lapband. Well I haven't gotten an exact date yet but I go in tomorrow and find out. I have to get labs done and everything and then I schedule the appointment. I know that my surgery will be by the end of the month. I am excited but kind of scared. :-/ The main thing I am fearing is that they will get the anesthesia wrong and I will die on the table. Ugh! Or I will be awake and hear everything but they will think I am asleep. lol OMG that creeps me out. Oh well I guess its normal worries.
I shouldn't be worried though because I have had at least 8 surgeries. I am use to this type of thing. I guess just nothing this severe. This is life changing.
At first I thought the lapband and gastric was going to be so easy but its not. People might think I am taking the easy route for losing weight, I'm not. I have to work twice, even triple as hard now. My stomach is going to be an OUNCE to TWO OUNCES big. I have to chew everything perfect, I have to watch what I eat. I have to watch what I drink. I have to work out. I have to take vitamins every day. I mean I just doubled even tripled what I had to do before. Its going to be rough at first but I believe I can do great things. I am not looking to lose 200 lbs, 100lbs (although that would be nice). I'm not looking to be skinny. I am looking to become healthy. I want to get rid of my PCOS. If I can get rid of PCOS I will be happy. My life is rough with it. I am embarrased from it. Alot of people don't really know what it is or how it affects someone.
Let me just say this... PCOS sucks. It has brought my dad to tears because I have it, and he feels horrible for giving it to me. Although he couldn't help it, he felt bad. I will explain it later, but for now I should probably get back to work.
Ok now that I am off this call I can't finish this blog. Let me explain PCOS. Now this is embarrassing to me, so this is taking alot for me to tell this. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (Disease). What it is is there are many small cysts on the ovaries which can affect a woman in many ways. Some symptoms of this disease are as follows:
Abnormal, to no period
Acne
Decreased breast size
Development of male sex characteristics (low voice, large clit, male partern baldness, facial hair)
Diabetes
Increased hair growth (facial hair, arm hair, leg hair, chest hair)
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Weight gain/obesity
Now I will tell you the symptoms I have...
Abnormal to no period
Increased hair growth
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Obesity
If you don't know me or have never seen me you would probably never know I had this. You would just think I was just like the next fat person. I actually eat okay. I don't eat 5 meals a day or tons of junk food. I didn't get my period until I was 17 years old. And the only reason I got it was because I got on birth control. My hair growth is on my chest and face. No its not a beard or a mustache or anything horribly noticable. But I notice is. I have went through hours of painful electronic hair removal to help. Its not a permanent solution but does help. I am currently on a pill that cuts down my hair growth, but a result my hair is thinning on my head. I have been unable to get pregnant, which Im not really trying so thats ok. I do not have diabetes but I am monitored every month. I have had this disease since I was 13 years old. I have lived with it for 11 years now. I am sick of it. Normally when women who have PCOS lose enough weight they notice hair growth has slowed down or disappeared completely. So this is why the lapband will help me out.
I will tell you the hair growth is the most embarrassing thing. I don't let the guy I am dating touch my face. Just in fear he would feel the hair. I have only told ONE boyfriend about it and trust me I didn't want to. But he asked why I always had to shower alone... and then asked about hair folicals seen on my chest. Its not that I have really hairy chest or face, its just that its DARK and visable. You can make fun of me or what not because of it if you must. I have been made fun of numerous times in my life and unfortunately I have gotten use to it. I am praying that the lapband will help me gain the self confidence I need. Because if it doesn't, I fear I will be alone the rest of my life. And I would love to have a husband and a family some day. But who knows. I guess what ever happens, happens. Well I better go to the restroom before my break is up. Ugh!
Back to the darkside I go (work). If you have any questions about my PCOS please feel free to comment.
I shouldn't be worried though because I have had at least 8 surgeries. I am use to this type of thing. I guess just nothing this severe. This is life changing.
At first I thought the lapband and gastric was going to be so easy but its not. People might think I am taking the easy route for losing weight, I'm not. I have to work twice, even triple as hard now. My stomach is going to be an OUNCE to TWO OUNCES big. I have to chew everything perfect, I have to watch what I eat. I have to watch what I drink. I have to work out. I have to take vitamins every day. I mean I just doubled even tripled what I had to do before. Its going to be rough at first but I believe I can do great things. I am not looking to lose 200 lbs, 100lbs (although that would be nice). I'm not looking to be skinny. I am looking to become healthy. I want to get rid of my PCOS. If I can get rid of PCOS I will be happy. My life is rough with it. I am embarrased from it. Alot of people don't really know what it is or how it affects someone.
Let me just say this... PCOS sucks. It has brought my dad to tears because I have it, and he feels horrible for giving it to me. Although he couldn't help it, he felt bad. I will explain it later, but for now I should probably get back to work.
Ok now that I am off this call I can't finish this blog. Let me explain PCOS. Now this is embarrassing to me, so this is taking alot for me to tell this. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (Disease). What it is is there are many small cysts on the ovaries which can affect a woman in many ways. Some symptoms of this disease are as follows:
Abnormal, to no period
Acne
Decreased breast size
Development of male sex characteristics (low voice, large clit, male partern baldness, facial hair)
Diabetes
Increased hair growth (facial hair, arm hair, leg hair, chest hair)
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Weight gain/obesity
Now I will tell you the symptoms I have...
Abnormal to no period
Increased hair growth
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Obesity
If you don't know me or have never seen me you would probably never know I had this. You would just think I was just like the next fat person. I actually eat okay. I don't eat 5 meals a day or tons of junk food. I didn't get my period until I was 17 years old. And the only reason I got it was because I got on birth control. My hair growth is on my chest and face. No its not a beard or a mustache or anything horribly noticable. But I notice is. I have went through hours of painful electronic hair removal to help. Its not a permanent solution but does help. I am currently on a pill that cuts down my hair growth, but a result my hair is thinning on my head. I have been unable to get pregnant, which Im not really trying so thats ok. I do not have diabetes but I am monitored every month. I have had this disease since I was 13 years old. I have lived with it for 11 years now. I am sick of it. Normally when women who have PCOS lose enough weight they notice hair growth has slowed down or disappeared completely. So this is why the lapband will help me out.
I will tell you the hair growth is the most embarrassing thing. I don't let the guy I am dating touch my face. Just in fear he would feel the hair. I have only told ONE boyfriend about it and trust me I didn't want to. But he asked why I always had to shower alone... and then asked about hair folicals seen on my chest. Its not that I have really hairy chest or face, its just that its DARK and visable. You can make fun of me or what not because of it if you must. I have been made fun of numerous times in my life and unfortunately I have gotten use to it. I am praying that the lapband will help me gain the self confidence I need. Because if it doesn't, I fear I will be alone the rest of my life. And I would love to have a husband and a family some day. But who knows. I guess what ever happens, happens. Well I better go to the restroom before my break is up. Ugh!
Back to the darkside I go (work). If you have any questions about my PCOS please feel free to comment.
Monday, September 14, 2009
What bad night?
Ok so I said I would blog about my bad night later. Now since I am having yet a shitty night I will blog. Well on friday I wasnt feel a 100% to start off. Then I had a pure romance party planned, well everyone backed out just a hour before the event. So I had to cancel the event, yep that was fun. So then my friend Jeanna fell ill so we couldnt do anything. And then around 230am we heard a domestic and called 911. It was really bad. Well after that I was really tired and wanted to go home. I gathered my things looked for my keys couldn't find them. Went outside looked inside my car and there they were in the ignition. Yep I locked my keys in my car. So I called AAA and around 345am they got my keys out and I was headed home. I slept for 3 hours and then got up for a VERY VERY long day. The END!
Now for tonight... it was a great night until about an hour ago when I found out someone I had liked now has a gf, yet is still tryin to sleep with me. lol Now I use to really really like him and stuff until I met someone else. But some of the feelings for him is hard to die. Especially when you went through a deployment with him. I have xmas gifts from him. We were like pen pals but for xmas. We were never dating officialy because he was in iraq. So when he got home, he was officialy divorced with full custody of his 2 kids. He told me I was someone he could see himself but just not right now. He didnt want a gf. Well guess what ...He has a gf. Yep it was very nice finding out... he didnt even tell me. I found out from him updating his marital status on mypace and facebook. Like seriously WTF!!!! Ugh! I just hate being lied to. Its the worst thing ever. I am so sick of being alone. I just want a bf. I want to be a princess. SPOIL ME! and LOVE ME!
Now for tonight... it was a great night until about an hour ago when I found out someone I had liked now has a gf, yet is still tryin to sleep with me. lol Now I use to really really like him and stuff until I met someone else. But some of the feelings for him is hard to die. Especially when you went through a deployment with him. I have xmas gifts from him. We were like pen pals but for xmas. We were never dating officialy because he was in iraq. So when he got home, he was officialy divorced with full custody of his 2 kids. He told me I was someone he could see himself but just not right now. He didnt want a gf. Well guess what ...He has a gf. Yep it was very nice finding out... he didnt even tell me. I found out from him updating his marital status on mypace and facebook. Like seriously WTF!!!! Ugh! I just hate being lied to. Its the worst thing ever. I am so sick of being alone. I just want a bf. I want to be a princess. SPOIL ME! and LOVE ME!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
FML x 100
Bad bad bad day, bad bad bad night! Will blog about it later, right now I just want to sleep and forget everything.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Rambiling Problems
So I really should be sleeping right now seeming I have to be awake in a few hours to go to work. Thinking I might be pulling an all nighter. Maybe not but who knows.
Right now I am listening to this song "Let the drummer kick by Citizen Cope" and its making me think. It makes me just feel so... low and depressed. Yet I know thats not how I feel. It makes me want to create something so inspiring and I have so many things running through my mind. First off this song reminds me of how low I felt when my ex left me with nothing. It makes me crave the feeling of a blade sliding across my skin again. Not necessarily cuting into my skin, but the feel of a cold blade against my skin. Its almost been a year and a half since I cut myself. I still have the scar on my right arm from it. Or should I say scars. I only did it a few times, and I will never do it again. Its not the cutting that felt good its the numbess you felt from all the other feelings you had. It took me into my own world. A world were I didnt feel any pain from the break-up. Where I didnt have to realize my debt, my heartache, the fact I didnt have anything. It was better than leaving this real world. Trust me I would never want to leave. Not unless god intended me to leave. I am here for the long run. Alot of people don't know me, they don't know my past and what I have been through. Even my parents don't know some of it. Its better that way. Lets just say, I have seen more than an average 50 year old, and I am only 24. I don't wish my past or my life on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But on a positive note, I am making my life better because I need to. And I am here for great things... so this brings me to the other portion of this thinking process...
I want to create a clothing line. I want to make a silent short film, and many more to follow. I want to be famous. I don't want to be in the spot light, but in the back ground. I want to do it all from behind the scenes. If I have to make an appearance here and there so be it, I will. But I have the taste of a rich woman, and so why not try to make it. I don't care if I don't make millions, but as long as people know who I am, and what I truly stand for, then thats what matters. I want my clothing line to have a meaning, a purpose behind it. I don't want all proceeds to come to me, charity too. Possibly a womans survival from abuse charity. I have been abused (by an ex), and honestly I'd love to see that more recognized. Or sex abuse, or poverty, rape victims, I don't know. I just want to do great. I was on the rise once... my own personal rise. I had books going left and right to family members. It was poems, from my heart. A whole book of them. I have awards, cds, plaques, and much more rewards for them. I was going to get it published, but decided to pursue track and field instead. And there is another thing I feel short of. Thanks to my back being fucked up since 16, I didnt succeed at my dream of going to the olympics. I was olympic bound until 2003. Thats when my back took a turn for the worse. My personal coach said I would have gone to the 2004 and 2008 olympics. Its something that haunts me to this day; that I didnt make it. In my eyes, I'm a failure. I didn't take any full rides to college for my track because I would of had to have surgery and it just wasn't something I was willing to go through again.
Anyway it is 3am and I have to be up in 3 hours. Wow not looking forward to that. Guess until next time...
Right now I am listening to this song "Let the drummer kick by Citizen Cope" and its making me think. It makes me just feel so... low and depressed. Yet I know thats not how I feel. It makes me want to create something so inspiring and I have so many things running through my mind. First off this song reminds me of how low I felt when my ex left me with nothing. It makes me crave the feeling of a blade sliding across my skin again. Not necessarily cuting into my skin, but the feel of a cold blade against my skin. Its almost been a year and a half since I cut myself. I still have the scar on my right arm from it. Or should I say scars. I only did it a few times, and I will never do it again. Its not the cutting that felt good its the numbess you felt from all the other feelings you had. It took me into my own world. A world were I didnt feel any pain from the break-up. Where I didnt have to realize my debt, my heartache, the fact I didnt have anything. It was better than leaving this real world. Trust me I would never want to leave. Not unless god intended me to leave. I am here for the long run. Alot of people don't know me, they don't know my past and what I have been through. Even my parents don't know some of it. Its better that way. Lets just say, I have seen more than an average 50 year old, and I am only 24. I don't wish my past or my life on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But on a positive note, I am making my life better because I need to. And I am here for great things... so this brings me to the other portion of this thinking process...
I want to create a clothing line. I want to make a silent short film, and many more to follow. I want to be famous. I don't want to be in the spot light, but in the back ground. I want to do it all from behind the scenes. If I have to make an appearance here and there so be it, I will. But I have the taste of a rich woman, and so why not try to make it. I don't care if I don't make millions, but as long as people know who I am, and what I truly stand for, then thats what matters. I want my clothing line to have a meaning, a purpose behind it. I don't want all proceeds to come to me, charity too. Possibly a womans survival from abuse charity. I have been abused (by an ex), and honestly I'd love to see that more recognized. Or sex abuse, or poverty, rape victims, I don't know. I just want to do great. I was on the rise once... my own personal rise. I had books going left and right to family members. It was poems, from my heart. A whole book of them. I have awards, cds, plaques, and much more rewards for them. I was going to get it published, but decided to pursue track and field instead. And there is another thing I feel short of. Thanks to my back being fucked up since 16, I didnt succeed at my dream of going to the olympics. I was olympic bound until 2003. Thats when my back took a turn for the worse. My personal coach said I would have gone to the 2004 and 2008 olympics. Its something that haunts me to this day; that I didnt make it. In my eyes, I'm a failure. I didn't take any full rides to college for my track because I would of had to have surgery and it just wasn't something I was willing to go through again.
Anyway it is 3am and I have to be up in 3 hours. Wow not looking forward to that. Guess until next time...
Saturday, September 5, 2009
AWOL
This is what happens when you have a friend that went AWOL because he was STOPPED LOSS!
http://www.polkcountyiowa.gov/InmatesOnTheWeb/Details.aspx?bi=88257
Sucks!
http://www.polkcountyiowa.gov/InmatesOnTheWeb/Details.aspx?bi=88257
Sucks!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Self Image
Okay so its been a while since I have posted something. And right now is better than any. I am currently sitting at work waiting for someone who doesn't know a thing about blackberrys call me. Yea exciting I know! ha Anyway... I am a little depressed today. I don't know what it is, but Im just depressed.
Maybe its the fact that my what would of been 2 year anniversary is coming up. And my ex works with me. Kind of blows, but life moves on and I am actually glad we aren't together. But the reason why I am down is because I have been single for 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I have been on dates, and actually had a boyfriend or two. But it was for a short while. And when I say short while, I mean short while... like 2 days, or 1 week. Nothing that was like the previous relationship. I miss being in a relationship. I think I am a good person. I don't get to jealous, I give you your own space. I don't ask you to spend every waking me talking to me or seeing me. I do ask to be treated with respect. Don't cheat on me, and be honest to me. I guess alot of people now a days fall short of those few qualities. Im just getting tired of going home to an empty bed. No one to cuddle with. No one to kiss. No one to look into their eyes and say "I love you!". It sux. Trust me the i love you part would come later... ha I guess I just hate going places with my FEMALE friends...I want a MALE to go with. Hold hands with. Kiss. Be happy. Man it sucks being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love being single, but I am getting older and I haven't got alot to show for what I have done. I need someone there to push me to do the great things in life I know I can do. Whether it be a boyfriend, or something more. Most of my friends are in serious relationships, married, or have kids so not alot of them are single. Its kind of hard to go out and have fun when they are unable to go out. I don't go out by myself. Anyway... thats just how I feel.
On the plus side, I got the good word yesterday that I was approved for surgery. I am a plus size girl. I don't think I look horrible for my weight, but I don't think I look hot either. I have a gorgeous face, and a great personality (Maybe why I still can get dates). But for myself that just isn't enough. I am not large enough for the gastric bypass, so I opted with the lapband. Its removeable, and you lose weight slower. Im not ashamed of it although I know people will look down on me for doing this. I know people will look at me like I cannot do this on my own. Please know that I have been trying to lose weight for 24 years of my life. Im pretty sure thats a good sign I will never do it on my own. I have been successful in losing weight, but soon gained it back. My life is a rollercoaster and my weight has been doing. Now that I am trying to steadily find my life path, I am ready for the weight to fall on the road with me. I know I won't be skinny in 2 months, or even 1 year, but I will be healthier. I won't have to worry that I might die of a heartattack or diabetes. I won't have to worry if people are looking at me for or my weight. I will be able to be who I really am. I don't care if I ever get under 180 or 190. Or even 200. I don't care as long as I am happy with my self imagine, and the person I am and who I can become. I am already happy with who I am, just not how I look. Now that this is falling into place, my life cycle of happiness CAN be comeplete. I just can't wait to see what I look like in a year. Honestly if I can' get 50lbs off in 1 year, I would be happy. Lets just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Well I better get back to work now. Its pretty slow today (thank you). So hopefully tonight will be ok. I don't feel good at all. Well... until next time. Stay safe!
Maybe its the fact that my what would of been 2 year anniversary is coming up. And my ex works with me. Kind of blows, but life moves on and I am actually glad we aren't together. But the reason why I am down is because I have been single for 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I have been on dates, and actually had a boyfriend or two. But it was for a short while. And when I say short while, I mean short while... like 2 days, or 1 week. Nothing that was like the previous relationship. I miss being in a relationship. I think I am a good person. I don't get to jealous, I give you your own space. I don't ask you to spend every waking me talking to me or seeing me. I do ask to be treated with respect. Don't cheat on me, and be honest to me. I guess alot of people now a days fall short of those few qualities. Im just getting tired of going home to an empty bed. No one to cuddle with. No one to kiss. No one to look into their eyes and say "I love you!". It sux. Trust me the i love you part would come later... ha I guess I just hate going places with my FEMALE friends...I want a MALE to go with. Hold hands with. Kiss. Be happy. Man it sucks being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love being single, but I am getting older and I haven't got alot to show for what I have done. I need someone there to push me to do the great things in life I know I can do. Whether it be a boyfriend, or something more. Most of my friends are in serious relationships, married, or have kids so not alot of them are single. Its kind of hard to go out and have fun when they are unable to go out. I don't go out by myself. Anyway... thats just how I feel.
On the plus side, I got the good word yesterday that I was approved for surgery. I am a plus size girl. I don't think I look horrible for my weight, but I don't think I look hot either. I have a gorgeous face, and a great personality (Maybe why I still can get dates). But for myself that just isn't enough. I am not large enough for the gastric bypass, so I opted with the lapband. Its removeable, and you lose weight slower. Im not ashamed of it although I know people will look down on me for doing this. I know people will look at me like I cannot do this on my own. Please know that I have been trying to lose weight for 24 years of my life. Im pretty sure thats a good sign I will never do it on my own. I have been successful in losing weight, but soon gained it back. My life is a rollercoaster and my weight has been doing. Now that I am trying to steadily find my life path, I am ready for the weight to fall on the road with me. I know I won't be skinny in 2 months, or even 1 year, but I will be healthier. I won't have to worry that I might die of a heartattack or diabetes. I won't have to worry if people are looking at me for or my weight. I will be able to be who I really am. I don't care if I ever get under 180 or 190. Or even 200. I don't care as long as I am happy with my self imagine, and the person I am and who I can become. I am already happy with who I am, just not how I look. Now that this is falling into place, my life cycle of happiness CAN be comeplete. I just can't wait to see what I look like in a year. Honestly if I can' get 50lbs off in 1 year, I would be happy. Lets just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Well I better get back to work now. Its pretty slow today (thank you). So hopefully tonight will be ok. I don't feel good at all. Well... until next time. Stay safe!
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