So I really should be sleeping right now seeming I have to be awake in a few hours to go to work. Thinking I might be pulling an all nighter. Maybe not but who knows.
Right now I am listening to this song "Let the drummer kick by Citizen Cope" and its making me think. It makes me just feel so... low and depressed. Yet I know thats not how I feel. It makes me want to create something so inspiring and I have so many things running through my mind. First off this song reminds me of how low I felt when my ex left me with nothing. It makes me crave the feeling of a blade sliding across my skin again. Not necessarily cuting into my skin, but the feel of a cold blade against my skin. Its almost been a year and a half since I cut myself. I still have the scar on my right arm from it. Or should I say scars. I only did it a few times, and I will never do it again. Its not the cutting that felt good its the numbess you felt from all the other feelings you had. It took me into my own world. A world were I didnt feel any pain from the break-up. Where I didnt have to realize my debt, my heartache, the fact I didnt have anything. It was better than leaving this real world. Trust me I would never want to leave. Not unless god intended me to leave. I am here for the long run. Alot of people don't know me, they don't know my past and what I have been through. Even my parents don't know some of it. Its better that way. Lets just say, I have seen more than an average 50 year old, and I am only 24. I don't wish my past or my life on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But on a positive note, I am making my life better because I need to. And I am here for great things... so this brings me to the other portion of this thinking process...
I want to create a clothing line. I want to make a silent short film, and many more to follow. I want to be famous. I don't want to be in the spot light, but in the back ground. I want to do it all from behind the scenes. If I have to make an appearance here and there so be it, I will. But I have the taste of a rich woman, and so why not try to make it. I don't care if I don't make millions, but as long as people know who I am, and what I truly stand for, then thats what matters. I want my clothing line to have a meaning, a purpose behind it. I don't want all proceeds to come to me, charity too. Possibly a womans survival from abuse charity. I have been abused (by an ex), and honestly I'd love to see that more recognized. Or sex abuse, or poverty, rape victims, I don't know. I just want to do great. I was on the rise once... my own personal rise. I had books going left and right to family members. It was poems, from my heart. A whole book of them. I have awards, cds, plaques, and much more rewards for them. I was going to get it published, but decided to pursue track and field instead. And there is another thing I feel short of. Thanks to my back being fucked up since 16, I didnt succeed at my dream of going to the olympics. I was olympic bound until 2003. Thats when my back took a turn for the worse. My personal coach said I would have gone to the 2004 and 2008 olympics. Its something that haunts me to this day; that I didnt make it. In my eyes, I'm a failure. I didn't take any full rides to college for my track because I would of had to have surgery and it just wasn't something I was willing to go through again.
Anyway it is 3am and I have to be up in 3 hours. Wow not looking forward to that. Guess until next time...
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Don't call yourself a failure you just had some set backs. You can still pursue your goals. I do feel old like it's too late to actually know what I really want. I'm still confused about what I really want to do with my life. I do feel strong at times because my parents really wanted me to pursue something I never wanted to do and getting out of that makes me feel like I have accomplished at least something...
ReplyDeleteStop feeling sorry for yourself because you are the only one that could make that change.