Self Image

Okay so its been a while since I have posted something. And right now is better than any. I am currently sitting at work waiting for someone who doesn't know a thing about blackberrys call me. Yea exciting I know! ha Anyway... I am a little depressed today. I don't know what it is, but Im just depressed.

Maybe its the fact that my what would of been 2 year anniversary is coming up. And my ex works with me. Kind of blows, but life moves on and I am actually glad we aren't together. But the reason why I am down is because I have been single for 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I have been on dates, and actually had a boyfriend or two. But it was for a short while. And when I say short while, I mean short while... like 2 days, or 1 week. Nothing that was like the previous relationship. I miss being in a relationship. I think I am a good person. I don't get to jealous, I give you your own space. I don't ask you to spend every waking me talking to me or seeing me. I do ask to be treated with respect. Don't cheat on me, and be honest to me. I guess alot of people now a days fall short of those few qualities. Im just getting tired of going home to an empty bed. No one to cuddle with. No one to kiss. No one to look into their eyes and say "I love you!". It sux. Trust me the i love you part would come later... ha I guess I just hate going places with my FEMALE friends...I want a MALE to go with. Hold hands with. Kiss. Be happy. Man it sucks being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love being single, but I am getting older and I haven't got alot to show for what I have done. I need someone there to push me to do the great things in life I know I can do. Whether it be a boyfriend, or something more. Most of my friends are in serious relationships, married, or have kids so not alot of them are single. Its kind of hard to go out and have fun when they are unable to go out. I don't go out by myself. Anyway... thats just how I feel.

On the plus side, I got the good word yesterday that I was approved for surgery. I am a plus size girl. I don't think I look horrible for my weight, but I don't think I look hot either. I have a gorgeous face, and a great personality (Maybe why I still can get dates). But for myself that just isn't enough. I am not large enough for the gastric bypass, so I opted with the lapband. Its removeable, and you lose weight slower. Im not ashamed of it although I know people will look down on me for doing this. I know people will look at me like I cannot do this on my own. Please know that I have been trying to lose weight for 24 years of my life. Im pretty sure thats a good sign I will never do it on my own. I have been successful in losing weight, but soon gained it back. My life is a rollercoaster and my weight has been doing. Now that I am trying to steadily find my life path, I am ready for the weight to fall on the road with me. I know I won't be skinny in 2 months, or even 1 year, but I will be healthier. I won't have to worry that I might die of a heartattack or diabetes. I won't have to worry if people are looking at me for or my weight. I will be able to be who I really am. I don't care if I ever get under 180 or 190. Or even 200. I don't care as long as I am happy with my self imagine, and the person I am and who I can become. I am already happy with who I am, just not how I look. Now that this is falling into place, my life cycle of happiness CAN be comeplete. I just can't wait to see what I look like in a year. Honestly if I can' get 50lbs off in 1 year, I would be happy. Lets just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Well I better get back to work now. Its pretty slow today (thank you). So hopefully tonight will be ok. I don't feel good at all. Well... until next time. Stay safe!