Rather NOT be alive

So most of you know I just had surgery a lil over a month ago. Well its an expensive surgery. My insurance told me they would pay 80% of the surgery and my most out of pocket would be 2,000$s. Well I got a sheet that shows you what was approved by your insurance and what wasnt. Well apparently my ENTIRE surgery wasn't covered. I now have to pay over 22,000$s out of pocket. So honestly I dont want to hear about people not having money or whatever. Try paying 35,000$s in student loans, 7,000$s in credit card debt, and over 30,000$s in medical bills. And yes I still make 10$s an hour, and cant live on my own. Even if I move back home, i wont be able to go out or see friends because I wont have any money. I will grow further and further into a depression. And soon I will be forgotten. I already feel forgotten by some of my friends. I mean people who I thought were even my best of friends still have yet to check on me since surgery. I would do anything for them in a heart beat.... but now I won't. I hope they know they have fucked themselves. ....just wish I had some type of merical happen in my life....

Post-Op

Ok so I had my surgery. I am still alive, and it was a success. I have lost now 5 lbs since surgery. I am starting to retain water... more liquids. I had 4 ppl at the hospital with me waitin for me to get out of surgery. that was really nice. :) well i will finish later.... i just wanted to let you know that I am ok.

Surgery

So I am having surgery Sept 29th. Yep thats about it.

More to Love

So I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into this show but I did. It was amazing. And it shows that bigger people can find love, even if its on tv. Not kidding when I say this... I cried. Not because of the sappy love shit but because I was in love once, and I miss it. I thought I was going to marry this person, we were engaged. But that story is down a few blogs. But I really do miss telling a man I am with I love him. Now don't think I just go off saying it, I don't. I take I love you, very seriously. I miss being able to spend the night with someone or them spend the night with me. I am so sick of being alone all the time. Its lonely. No wonder why I have gotten fatter. I don't love myself now so why would anyone else love me? ...Ugh! I just wish I could find someone who does love me. I will wait for however long because if its ment to happen, it will happen. Just wish I could at least have a boyfriend lol. Or someone who will come over and cuddle with me, kiss me, rub my back, hold my hand, things like that. If you are someone who is interested in that, please apply here! lol

Time to go cry myself to sleep... Ugh!

Update Lapband

Okay so if you have been reading my blogs you know I am getting the lapband. Well I haven't gotten an exact date yet but I go in tomorrow and find out. I have to get labs done and everything and then I schedule the appointment. I know that my surgery will be by the end of the month. I am excited but kind of scared. :-/ The main thing I am fearing is that they will get the anesthesia wrong and I will die on the table. Ugh! Or I will be awake and hear everything but they will think I am asleep. lol OMG that creeps me out. Oh well I guess its normal worries.

I shouldn't be worried though because I have had at least 8 surgeries. I am use to this type of thing. I guess just nothing this severe. This is life changing.

At first I thought the lapband and gastric was going to be so easy but its not. People might think I am taking the easy route for losing weight, I'm not. I have to work twice, even triple as hard now. My stomach is going to be an OUNCE to TWO OUNCES big. I have to chew everything perfect, I have to watch what I eat. I have to watch what I drink. I have to work out. I have to take vitamins every day. I mean I just doubled even tripled what I had to do before. Its going to be rough at first but I believe I can do great things. I am not looking to lose 200 lbs, 100lbs (although that would be nice). I'm not looking to be skinny. I am looking to become healthy. I want to get rid of my PCOS. If I can get rid of PCOS I will be happy. My life is rough with it. I am embarrased from it. Alot of people don't really know what it is or how it affects someone.

Let me just say this... PCOS sucks. It has brought my dad to tears because I have it, and he feels horrible for giving it to me. Although he couldn't help it, he felt bad. I will explain it later, but for now I should probably get back to work.

Ok now that I am off this call I can't finish this blog. Let me explain PCOS. Now this is embarrassing to me, so this is taking alot for me to tell this. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (Disease). What it is is there are many small cysts on the ovaries which can affect a woman in many ways. Some symptoms of this disease are as follows:
Abnormal, to no period
Acne
Decreased breast size
Development of male sex characteristics (low voice, large clit, male partern baldness, facial hair)
Diabetes
Increased hair growth (facial hair, arm hair, leg hair, chest hair)
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Weight gain/obesity

Now I will tell you the symptoms I have...
Abnormal to no period
Increased hair growth
Infertility
Double to triple amount of insulin
Obesity

If you don't know me or have never seen me you would probably never know I had this. You would just think I was just like the next fat person. I actually eat okay. I don't eat 5 meals a day or tons of junk food. I didn't get my period until I was 17 years old. And the only reason I got it was because I got on birth control. My hair growth is on my chest and face. No its not a beard or a mustache or anything horribly noticable. But I notice is. I have went through hours of painful electronic hair removal to help. Its not a permanent solution but does help. I am currently on a pill that cuts down my hair growth, but a result my hair is thinning on my head. I have been unable to get pregnant, which Im not really trying so thats ok. I do not have diabetes but I am monitored every month. I have had this disease since I was 13 years old. I have lived with it for 11 years now. I am sick of it. Normally when women who have PCOS lose enough weight they notice hair growth has slowed down or disappeared completely. So this is why the lapband will help me out.

I will tell you the hair growth is the most embarrassing thing. I don't let the guy I am dating touch my face. Just in fear he would feel the hair. I have only told ONE boyfriend about it and trust me I didn't want to. But he asked why I always had to shower alone... and then asked about hair folicals seen on my chest. Its not that I have really hairy chest or face, its just that its DARK and visable. You can make fun of me or what not because of it if you must. I have been made fun of numerous times in my life and unfortunately I have gotten use to it. I am praying that the lapband will help me gain the self confidence I need. Because if it doesn't, I fear I will be alone the rest of my life. And I would love to have a husband and a family some day. But who knows. I guess what ever happens, happens. Well I better go to the restroom before my break is up. Ugh!

Back to the darkside I go (work). If you have any questions about my PCOS please feel free to comment.

What bad night?

Ok so I said I would blog about my bad night later. Now since I am having yet a shitty night I will blog. Well on friday I wasnt feel a 100% to start off. Then I had a pure romance party planned, well everyone backed out just a hour before the event. So I had to cancel the event, yep that was fun. So then my friend Jeanna fell ill so we couldnt do anything. And then around 230am we heard a domestic and called 911. It was really bad. Well after that I was really tired and wanted to go home. I gathered my things looked for my keys couldn't find them. Went outside looked inside my car and there they were in the ignition. Yep I locked my keys in my car. So I called AAA and around 345am they got my keys out and I was headed home. I slept for 3 hours and then got up for a VERY VERY long day. The END!

Now for tonight... it was a great night until about an hour ago when I found out someone I had liked now has a gf, yet is still tryin to sleep with me. lol Now I use to really really like him and stuff until I met someone else. But some of the feelings for him is hard to die. Especially when you went through a deployment with him. I have xmas gifts from him. We were like pen pals but for xmas. We were never dating officialy because he was in iraq. So when he got home, he was officialy divorced with full custody of his 2 kids. He told me I was someone he could see himself but just not right now. He didnt want a gf. Well guess what ...He has a gf. Yep it was very nice finding out... he didnt even tell me. I found out from him updating his marital status on mypace and facebook. Like seriously WTF!!!! Ugh! I just hate being lied to. Its the worst thing ever. I am so sick of being alone. I just want a bf. I want to be a princess. SPOIL ME! and LOVE ME!

FML x 100

Bad bad bad day, bad bad bad night! Will blog about it later, right now I just want to sleep and forget everything.

Rambiling Problems

So I really should be sleeping right now seeming I have to be awake in a few hours to go to work. Thinking I might be pulling an all nighter. Maybe not but who knows.

Right now I am listening to this song "Let the drummer kick by Citizen Cope" and its making me think. It makes me just feel so... low and depressed. Yet I know thats not how I feel. It makes me want to create something so inspiring and I have so many things running through my mind. First off this song reminds me of how low I felt when my ex left me with nothing. It makes me crave the feeling of a blade sliding across my skin again. Not necessarily cuting into my skin, but the feel of a cold blade against my skin. Its almost been a year and a half since I cut myself. I still have the scar on my right arm from it. Or should I say scars. I only did it a few times, and I will never do it again. Its not the cutting that felt good its the numbess you felt from all the other feelings you had. It took me into my own world. A world were I didnt feel any pain from the break-up. Where I didnt have to realize my debt, my heartache, the fact I didnt have anything. It was better than leaving this real world. Trust me I would never want to leave. Not unless god intended me to leave. I am here for the long run. Alot of people don't know me, they don't know my past and what I have been through. Even my parents don't know some of it. Its better that way. Lets just say, I have seen more than an average 50 year old, and I am only 24. I don't wish my past or my life on anyone, not even my worst enemy. But on a positive note, I am making my life better because I need to. And I am here for great things... so this brings me to the other portion of this thinking process...

I want to create a clothing line. I want to make a silent short film, and many more to follow. I want to be famous. I don't want to be in the spot light, but in the back ground. I want to do it all from behind the scenes. If I have to make an appearance here and there so be it, I will. But I have the taste of a rich woman, and so why not try to make it. I don't care if I don't make millions, but as long as people know who I am, and what I truly stand for, then thats what matters. I want my clothing line to have a meaning, a purpose behind it. I don't want all proceeds to come to me, charity too. Possibly a womans survival from abuse charity. I have been abused (by an ex), and honestly I'd love to see that more recognized. Or sex abuse, or poverty, rape victims, I don't know. I just want to do great. I was on the rise once... my own personal rise. I had books going left and right to family members. It was poems, from my heart. A whole book of them. I have awards, cds, plaques, and much more rewards for them. I was going to get it published, but decided to pursue track and field instead. And there is another thing I feel short of. Thanks to my back being fucked up since 16, I didnt succeed at my dream of going to the olympics. I was olympic bound until 2003. Thats when my back took a turn for the worse. My personal coach said I would have gone to the 2004 and 2008 olympics. Its something that haunts me to this day; that I didnt make it. In my eyes, I'm a failure. I didn't take any full rides to college for my track because I would of had to have surgery and it just wasn't something I was willing to go through again.

Anyway it is 3am and I have to be up in 3 hours. Wow not looking forward to that. Guess until next time...

AWOL

This is what happens when you have a friend that went AWOL because he was STOPPED LOSS!

http://www.polkcountyiowa.gov/InmatesOnTheWeb/Details.aspx?bi=88257


Sucks!

Self Image

Okay so its been a while since I have posted something. And right now is better than any. I am currently sitting at work waiting for someone who doesn't know a thing about blackberrys call me. Yea exciting I know! ha Anyway... I am a little depressed today. I don't know what it is, but Im just depressed.

Maybe its the fact that my what would of been 2 year anniversary is coming up. And my ex works with me. Kind of blows, but life moves on and I am actually glad we aren't together. But the reason why I am down is because I have been single for 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I have been on dates, and actually had a boyfriend or two. But it was for a short while. And when I say short while, I mean short while... like 2 days, or 1 week. Nothing that was like the previous relationship. I miss being in a relationship. I think I am a good person. I don't get to jealous, I give you your own space. I don't ask you to spend every waking me talking to me or seeing me. I do ask to be treated with respect. Don't cheat on me, and be honest to me. I guess alot of people now a days fall short of those few qualities. Im just getting tired of going home to an empty bed. No one to cuddle with. No one to kiss. No one to look into their eyes and say "I love you!". It sux. Trust me the i love you part would come later... ha I guess I just hate going places with my FEMALE friends...I want a MALE to go with. Hold hands with. Kiss. Be happy. Man it sucks being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love being single, but I am getting older and I haven't got alot to show for what I have done. I need someone there to push me to do the great things in life I know I can do. Whether it be a boyfriend, or something more. Most of my friends are in serious relationships, married, or have kids so not alot of them are single. Its kind of hard to go out and have fun when they are unable to go out. I don't go out by myself. Anyway... thats just how I feel.

On the plus side, I got the good word yesterday that I was approved for surgery. I am a plus size girl. I don't think I look horrible for my weight, but I don't think I look hot either. I have a gorgeous face, and a great personality (Maybe why I still can get dates). But for myself that just isn't enough. I am not large enough for the gastric bypass, so I opted with the lapband. Its removeable, and you lose weight slower. Im not ashamed of it although I know people will look down on me for doing this. I know people will look at me like I cannot do this on my own. Please know that I have been trying to lose weight for 24 years of my life. Im pretty sure thats a good sign I will never do it on my own. I have been successful in losing weight, but soon gained it back. My life is a rollercoaster and my weight has been doing. Now that I am trying to steadily find my life path, I am ready for the weight to fall on the road with me. I know I won't be skinny in 2 months, or even 1 year, but I will be healthier. I won't have to worry that I might die of a heartattack or diabetes. I won't have to worry if people are looking at me for or my weight. I will be able to be who I really am. I don't care if I ever get under 180 or 190. Or even 200. I don't care as long as I am happy with my self imagine, and the person I am and who I can become. I am already happy with who I am, just not how I look. Now that this is falling into place, my life cycle of happiness CAN be comeplete. I just can't wait to see what I look like in a year. Honestly if I can' get 50lbs off in 1 year, I would be happy. Lets just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Well I better get back to work now. Its pretty slow today (thank you). So hopefully tonight will be ok. I don't feel good at all. Well... until next time. Stay safe!

F**K MY LIFE!

So I am currently sitting at work, working. Please know I am not happy about it. I am kind of over it actually. I am really just kind of depressed today. I have my degree in criminal justice, and i really no longer want to work at the job i am working. And until I can join the army I figured why not do something I have my degree in. So I am currently filling out paperwork for a local police department to become a police officer. Well I had a friend here at my job print everything out for me, and he was ok with my decision. But my supervisor and others laughed in my face. All they see is me at work, not outside of work, not me actually trying to succeed at things I do. I use to be great at my job, GREAT. But when they started fucking us over, I gave up hope and quit doing a good job. Why do a good job if they get by doing half assed shit? ...You know it wasn't an equal opportunity here. We get treated like shit. They expect us to do so much work for so little income. I am over it. I had alot more to write but i have to get back to work... FML! Im done!

New Way

So I am starting a new way. For breakfast I had some watermelon and a banana. For lunch i had a small portion of a new york strip. Snacks will be a banana. And for dinner at work will be a small homemade walking taco. But right now its time to work out. Kind of excited. Sucks I have to do it at home cuz i am way to broke for a gym membership. Blah! My legs already feel like I have done 30 mins of squats. lol Maybe being on top during sex has its advantages? lol ....Sorry! Anyway I am going to go work out now!

Here Comes Goodbye

So I am sitting on my couch listening to the song "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts. It makes me think of what will happen in a year. I am joining the army and my MOS is Military Police. So I know once I get out of basic, I will be deployed. Most likely to afghanistan. Its the job I want, and I will be proud to do it. But I am also worried that I wont return home. I know its every soldiers fear but thats just my luck. And honestly its kind of depressing because I don't have much to show. I don't have a boyfriend, a husband, or any children. I mean I am still young, and stuff and that is why I am joining. I am hoping the army will help me find my path in life. Cause right now I just feel stuck. It really gets me down at times.

Depression sucks. I get depressed because I am bigger, so I eat. Then I get depressed that I am eating so I eat more. haha I will never drop the weight I want to before I leave. FML! ...I need motivation. Anyone willing to help?

Tomorrow I am going to start something new... find old pictures of me when I was skinnier, and post them every where, so I get so motivated to look like that that i have NO CHOICE! ha Yep thats what I am going to do. hahahaha Think it will work?

My work schedule just sucks so bad. Its 3 to 1130, so I really dont want to get up early and go work out. Maybe I should. I kind of want to run late at night while no one is out, but then I am afraid to get kidnapped. lol So yeah I am kind of stuck. ha ha Maybe if I had a jogging partner. But then they would have to live kind of by me. Ugh! See I am just fucked all around.

I am pretty sure alot of people are doubting I will join the army. But my mind and my heart are really set on this. This is my dream. And I am not marrying into it anytime soon, sooo I will be joining. I guess what it really depends on is the guy I might be dating, if I get pregnant, or something like that. My mom supports me. I haven't really talked to my dad about it. I really need to. My mom actually met my recruiter at the state fair. ha He was running the Army booth. I swear my mom was going to cry while she talked to him. Well I better get to bed... enough writing for tonight.

Psycho Women

Okay so my first blog I am going to actually rant about a friends crazy fucking ex. I have held back for 2 years and I am sick of holding back. She makes herself out to be so fucking innocent and perfect when in reality she is a fucking crazy psycho bitch. Im sorry but I know my brother aka best friend. He is a great person who isnt perfect but treats people with respect. Her on the other hand is a complex whore. I am sure she has bipolar, along with other mental issues that her children have to suffer thru. Not only her children are suffering but her family and her childrens fathers.

Let me shed some light on this blog...

While they were dating she had told him he couldn't talk to me because she thought stuff was going on. So because he loved her so much, he did so. He stopped talking to me and my family. My family saved him, he was so deep into shit, and my family saved him. So thanks to her he almost lost some of the most important people in his life. Although he gained one of the best things to ever happen to him, his daughter. But thats for another blog. Back to crazy bitch... She would always be nice to me to my face and then turn around and talk shit about me. While she was pregnant she would go around our work saying she could kick my ass and stomp me to the ground. Come on bitch... I am twice your size, and proud of it. At least I dont look like some cracked out schizophrantic psycho bitch! ...Do everyone a favor and get help. You lie to the the judge, to your lawyer, to everyone, and you get away with it. But trust me... you wont for long. Karma will catch up and bite you in the ass. And hopefully you will lose everything you ever worked for, because thats what you deserve. You don't deserve to be a mother. You don't deserve anything in life but yourself and a padded fucking room! Honestly the best thing you could do for your kids is give up your rights to the fathers and checking yourself out. If you know what I mean...

Okay Okay... i know what you people must think but honestly if you knew this person and had to deal with this person you would understand. Don't get me started on the fucking 50 dudes in one year, fucking numerous men at our work, bringing men over to her apartment while her children are home, being to drunk to take care of your baby while she screams in her crib... puke thats been on the floor of your car for weeks from a drunken night.... I don't want to get started on all that shit.

Wow I feel a little better after getting this all off my chest. She has a blog on here too, if I knew the link, I would post it, just so you can see how fucking crazy she is. lol Bitch be crazy!